psychosomatic madness

psychosomatic_decay_by_gboottee-d48zrmvpsy·cho·so·mat·ic
ˌ/sīkōsəˈmatik/
adjective
adjective: psychosomatic
  1. (of a physical illness or other condition) caused or aggravated by a mental factor such as internal conflict or stress.
    “her doctor was convinced that most of Amy’s problems were psychosomatic”
    2. Of or relating to the interaction of mind and body.

Swollen ankles. Twingey knee. Scratchy throat. Acid tummy. Headache. Stiff ankles.

Every time I think about running 20 miles Saturday I have a physical reaction. Right now my heart is racing and my ankles are stiff.

I am scared to death. Scared I won’t make it. Feeling like I’m regressing as a runner instead of improving. Wondering just what business I have thinking I can do this.

You guys! I am smack dab in the middle of a freak the fuck out moment.

I don’t even know what to do except put my feet up, pour a glass of wine, read a book, and try not to think about it.

But I can’t even do that. I have to plan food and hydration plans for tomorrow. I have to keep hydrating tonight. I have to find something to wear that I won’t sweat my ass off in because it is going to be surface of the sun hot on Saturday. I have to work tomorrow. I have to prep my house for my family’s visit next week.

There is a lot going on.

The biggest of it is that 20 mile run looming 34 hours in my future.

I am scared to death.

I cannot do 4:1 intervals for 20 miles. 20 miles of never building a momentum, of just waiting for the beep beep beep of the time to walk alert will drive me mad. I HAVE TO IMPROVE as a runner and those short intervals have me regressing and that is a fucking fact.

I am frustrated.

My marathon plan remains the same: aim for 12 min miles out of the gate at a 10:1 run/walk interval. Make a backup plan for later miles if necessary. Hydrate. Take in calories.

I want to run my 20 miler like that. I feel like I NEED to run my 20 miler like that.

I get the concept of a long, slow run, but not that fucking slow. I am an impatient motherfucker.

I want to be faster. I want to be more efficient. I want to run.

I want to finish my 20 miles in 4:00-4:15. A consistent 12 min mile. I’ve been averaging 10-11 min miles in my shorter runs. I can slow it down for the 20 miler. But not that much. That is not how I am made up, how my mind works, how my body works.

I am scared to death.

52 days until the San Francisco Marathon. I wish it was 22. I am tired of thinking about it. I just want to do it.

Advertisements

2 comments

  • You can do it!!! Don’t over think the run part. It’s good to plan hydration, eating, etc, but believe that you will run your 20 miles like you want to because we both know YOU CAN!!! You are awesome, you are strong, you are a fighter, you are a RUNNER!!!! XOXO!!! You are going to do great!!